Reverence.

It is 4:45 in the morning on a crisp winter day in Portland. I sit here quietly listening to the rhythmic sounds of a child's heartbeat, writing while I am alternating between holding his warm hands in my cool ones and taking little breaks to rest my heart . His ear lobe is lit up with a pulse ox monitor, his pouty lips are clasping various tubes, and his little body is covered in wires and cords. My heart aches for him and the parents that I came here to comfort, still there is little I can do to comfort anyone. Yet his steady cardiac rhythm seems to bring the biggest comfort of all. He is here, and that is by far the largest blessing we could ask for.

In the last 12 hours I've learned a vast amount of stuff about a lot of things. I've learned new medical terms, how strong a sedated 7 year old can be, and I've gained a profound amount of respect for amazing nurses. I think I've finally learned the true meaning of the word reverence: a ridiculously deep respect. All those years sitting in church listening to pastors and priests did absolutely nothing for me, but try sitting in a hospital room at 4:00 in the morning drinking crappy coffee and holding the hand of an unconscious child; that's some serious reverence baby, like you've never known. Thank God that the Starbucks downstairs opens up in just a few hours, this coffee could probably run a Boeing. Luckily I had a warning so I was able to come prepared:

No, you're not seeing things. You should see the looks the nurses gave us, ha ha. But a Momma can only take so much, and there was no way I was letting the fretting momma standing by the bed drink hospital coffee without a little extra sumin'-sumin' in it. Peppermint and whipped cream can fix almost everything, and her heart definitely needed a little of both.

It's amazing how heartache makes a person really cherish what they already have. I want so badly to run home, gather my girls in my arms, and hug them until they can't breathe. Those warm little cheeks make my heart melt on a normal day, I can only imagine what they'd do to me right now. I want nothing more than to kiss them, hold them, hug them, and be so grateful for what I have when they kiss, hug, and hold me back. I hope the momma standing across the room gets to do that very, very soon with her little. I can't even begin to imagine how badly she wants to hold him in her arms and make everything ok. Any prayers that haven't already been said for Louis would be greatly appreciated at this point.We're hoping he gets well very, very soon.

The best girls ever!

I'm off to get a few hours of sleep, I'm well over my 24 hour stipend. I'll keep everyone updated as best I can. Happy Monday.

Tin Foil.

 As little girls we are fed fairy tale stories of knights in shining armor that swoop into our lives on a gilded white stallion, slaughter a vicious creature that holds us captive against our will, and whisk us off to a fairy tale kingdom where we are made into princesses; consequently gifting us with an answer to every wish we've ever made and every dream we've ever imagined. We are told that all of this is going to happen not because we've worked extremely hard to contact said knight in shining armor and get him to rescue us, but simply because we are female and we deserve to be some fairy tale princess with an epic love story.


Unfortunately no one tells us as little girls that this is all exactly that: a fairy tale. No one tells you that a relationship takes effort on both sides, a ridiculous amount of energy, and that you're knight in shining armor is more likely a man in tin foil driving a Gremlin. I hope that my littles learn this sooner rather than later, but I'm not going to be the one to burst their fairy-tale bubble. They'll learn in time through trial and error, their hearts will get broken and they will heal, and eventually they will find that knight that sweeps them off their feet and whisks them away to a magical land of unicorns and rainbows. Until then I can only guide them, love them, and keep them safe in my arms. Until then I can only hope that weeks like the last few weeks will be enough to keep them happy and glowing.

We had a great birthday party with family and a few friends. The girls (and boys!) loved the masks and we even got a few on the grown ups.

                                               Papas make the best picker uppers!

                                                                   Big slides + little girls make the best pictures

                                                    New found friends make for the best storytelling times

                                                                " Punkin"   as Seraphina says

                                  Punkins, boogers, and blue eyes..... OH  MY!

I'll keep them as young as I can for as long as possible. Fairies, dragon, knights in shining armor, and evil witches are going to be a mainstay in our house for a long time. When the time comes for their prince charming to choose a different princess I'll be here to pick them up, wipe their tears, and send them out into the kingdom to find another. Until that day, Prince Charming is going to just have to deal with the shining armor, cause I don't care what's chafing where, it's not going anywhere.

As for this Cinderella, it would appear she has a castle to scrub, laundry to do, and clothes that need mending. These 3 little witches are a lot to keep up with. I hope you all had a good weekend.

Ebb and Flow.

"There is a tide in the affairs of men, Which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat. And we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures."
                                                                                                            ~William Shakespeare


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If this man had any idea the effect he was going to have on the world, I'm not sure he would have written half of the things that he did. His words have been printed in every language under the sun in a million different versions' his stories have become the bedtime fairy tales for teens, and he still ignites a passion in my soul that few can rival. In this specific instance, he is so very right. Lately there have been many questions, and even fewer answers. We have sheltered as long as possible but the time for shelter is coming to a close. It's time to stem the tide, and let the truth do what it does best. 

I filed for divorce in August. I did not do it to spite anybody or hurt feelings. I did not file to ruin a persons life or to make things more difficult. I did not intend to turn friends into enemies, or pit parents against one another. I did it because our family cannot survive in the current state it is in. Despite efforts on both sides, it is just not something that I feel we can work out. I don't expect anyone to understand why I made the choice I did, I simply ask that they respect it and support our entire family emotionally in a time when every member of this family needs support. For now I know there will be many more questions, and I do not have the answers to them as of yet; I assure you that when I know how to answer all the questions that are flying around I will answer them. For now, patience and support folks. If you are so inclined, we could use your prayers as well. 

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Whew! Got that out of the way! On to happier subjects! Like babies with tootsie pops

She fell asleep on the way home with the thing in her hand, it was like superglue by the time I tried to peel the paper out of her fingers. Even funnier, when the gentle tugging woke her up the first thing she did was stick the silly thing in her mouth like there was still going to be some candy on it. Sister loves her some snacks!

 This little munchkin melts my heart. Her peals of laughter when you tickle her back, the slight snore when she's really really asleep.

 This sister got her first mani/pedi last Friday night. The little giggles she stifled when the sweet lady was scrubbing her feet with the pumice block were absolutely priceless. We got to spend a few hours just hanging out together, doing girly things and talking about life. She's in love with a boy in her class (gulp!!), is excited to finish reading the Percy Jackson series, and she's a little anxious about school in general. After a few hours of girl talk and mommy/Mei time we ended up with this:

I won't tell you what our fingers look like after a few days of life, but our toes still look awesome! After our little outing, we decided we were hungry. Sister will do just about anything to get her fingers on Chinese food, so we indulged. A lot.

                                                 And we loved every single bite of it!

The past few weeks have been a trial for all of us. Many tears have been shed, questions have been answered, decisions have been made. Amidst all of the trial and tribulation we have one very important and awesome thing to look forward to:

Birthdays are big deal around here, but I have a feeling this is going to be our most awesome birthday yet. We've ordered masks, we've got a cupcake tree, we're picking out outfits and planning what type of jewelry to wear. The box that we ordered from Oriental Trading arrived earlier this evening, and mama sure needed that box. It's been a particularly rough few days and those smiles were epic. The girls spent about half an hour running around like madmen in their new masks. Mama spent half an hour with the dorkiest grin on her face chasing littles around. Tonight? Tonight was good. Hard to imagine that tonight was only a taste of the memories that will come in just a few short weeks.

 Speaking of memories..... On September 20th the world welcomed a new little blessing. Little Matthew was born at 4:00 on 9/20/11. He has his mommas face and his daddys ears!

 He's quit the little man. He was a big surprise to everyone, but he's so precious. Life doesn't always go the way you had planned and you can do one of two things: flow with the tide, or fight the current. More often than not the harder you fight the further you slip under the crashing waves. It doesn't really make sense, but then again most of life doesn't. You roll with the punches, take it as it comes, rise above. Whatever cute little euphemism you use it all turns into the same thing: you flow. Eventually the tides recedes and you're left standing on your feet. It's not easy to lay back and let life hold you up, but fighting is pointless. You're better off closing your eyes and feeling the rush of the cool salty water flowing beneath you. Tonight, I will float.

I'm off to finish more of this:

   

Wish me luck. Happy early weekend everyone.