Detox.

My house was clean 4 hours ago. Like scrubbed corners of the kitchen floor, swept cobwebs, and threw out 3 bags of trash kind of clean. Now? Not so much. Oddly enough, I'm glad it looks like it does. Sticky floor under the table, frosting on a cabinet, 2 more bags of trash, and toys everywhere. Nonetheless, I'm so completely content with it all right now.

Tonight my babies are another birthday older. Tonight I realized calling Loralai a toddler is no longer acceptable, she's now a little girl. Tonight I realized just how much my little family is growing, and how far my bigger family has come. Tonight feels like a rapid detox, difficult yet unbelievably refreshing.

It's the feeling of realizing just how much every single person who came tonight fits in so well with exactly what I need and want for my children. The strength of my father, the whimsical demeanor my mother doesn't show often enough, the unity that my oldest brother has come to possess in the last few years, and the backing of all of them put together. It's humbling, truly, how much they all give to make every person a part of this family; of my family. Not to mention the wonderful person that somehow found me in this big, bad world that I now get to curl up next to every night. My family is amazing and wonderful, every single part of it.

Short post tonight, its been a long weekend and I've got a lot to get done still before Thursday gets here. Surgery is scheduled for 3ish, check in is at 2. I'll keep everyone posted but don't expect any coherence on Friday. I'm likely to be sleeping the day away.

Gravity

6:00 in the morning. 5 little minions snoring away in the background, a cup of hot coffee, and the light of the screen. That is all; and that is wonderful. I forget how much I love the quiet mornings of solitude and peace. It's so easy to see past all the contentment to deal with the chaos that is everyday life in this little world of mine. So easy to stay too busy to take in the little things that should be what comes first. So easy to give up on flying and succumb to the gravity of everyday life. There are errands to run, bills to pay, laundry to be done, and weeds that need to be removed. Instead I think I'll just sit here a while and enjoy what I have right next to me: life.

We've had a good summer. Mei's 8th birthday started it off with a nice little bang, followed by a multitude of family get-togethers and sleepovers. We capped off the summer with a family camp out up at Alsea Falls. Smores, fires, hikes, and bugs. Who could ask for more?

                                                                   
This summer has definitely been one of adjustments and the crashing realization that regardless of how hard you try to avoid the pull of the cosmos, there is nothing you can do but continue pulling. In the end gravity always wins. Eventually you come crashing down to earth, usually in a heap of rubble. In the end the only thing to do is to put the pieces back together with some crazy glue and try again. It's the allure of what could be that keeps most of us going anyhow, right? Who knows, maybe someday in the midst of all my pulling and fighting I'll look up and see that the stars are no longer out of reach.

The kiddos are up and running amuck and breakfast is on the way thanks to an amazing man that is fighting gravity right alongside me. Here's to a great weekend. Cheers and happy flying!

Bounce.

Time is tricky. Some days seem to last for months while others seem to pass by far too quickly.Sometimes I look at the person I was a year ago and I realize just how much has actually changed, both with me personally and with how my life is changing. I never dreamed I would be a single mother at 27 with three little girls. I figured by now I'd be done with school and telling hopeful parents that their children would be able to grow up and live happy lives. I use to be so pessimistic. I'd look at a beautiful starry sky and see a galaxy of exploding disaster, a solar system full of trash that we as a race have managed to place there. When I look at the stars now I see them for the beauty that they truly are. A never ending expanse of wonder that is still so unknown, and yet unknowingly amazing.

Then again, sometimes I realize how little is different with me than it was 10 years ago. Some things will never change, they are who I am. I still hope and dream. I still have goals and aspirations.  I want to kiss someone under the Eiffel tower, I want to play in the ocean on the shores of Italy.  I want to stand under a starry sky in the middle of China and discover constellations I've never seen before. I want to feed a starving child in the depths of some third world country and relish in the satisfaction and awe at something so amazingly small that so many take for granted. Above all else I want to live life to the fullest, and I will. 

My mother once told me that when I was a little girl wandering around, I would bounce. I had a spring in my step and a smile on face all the time. I see that in the three little blessings that have graced my life with their presence. Somewhere along the line I lost my bounce, and my smile appeared less and less as time went on. I see that in them too. I know that eventually their dreams of princes and castles will fade, I'm just hoping it takes a little longer than mine did. I want them to hope, dream, and thrive. I want them to bounce. Better yet, I want to show them how to bounce.

 

I think where I'm trying to lead this is that life is what you make of it. I may never get to Italy, and I'm quite sure I'll never make it to Africa. Somehow, I'm OK with that. I don't live in a mental place of grandeur of fake reality, but I remain hopeful and optimistic. When push come to shove, you can choose to happy or sad. As for me, I'm off to enjoy an awesome weekend full of bouncing and happy. I hope you all get the chance to enjoy some of that this weekend too.

Pretty in Pink: Flying.

Pretty in Pink: Flying.: When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you wi...

Flying.

When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.  ~Leonardo Da Vinci

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The last few months we have certainly been flying around here. Not the "one foot in front of the other" kind of flying, simply the "loving every second of life and cherishing life in general like never before" kind of flying. Louis has been home from Doernbechers for a little over a month now. And as beautiful as this view is,

I sure am glad that I don't have to plan on seeing it again anytime soon. 


Christmas was good. Obviously.

The girls had a great day. Lots of good presents, lots of good food, and lots of good family. After the girls were done opening presents I looked towards the back of the tree and noticed a hastily wrapped present in green paper that had "To Mommy, Love Santa" scrawled in a silver marker. I hadn't put anything under there for me so my interest was immediately perked. I glanced up and noticed Mei looking at me expectantly, so I slowly opened the paper and uncovered this:

A ripped and torn paperback book that we were currently in the middle of reading. I started to chuckle as I peered up when all of the sudden Mei pipes in with "Santa didn't leave anything for you and I didn't want you to not get a present on Christmas." Needless to say, I choked out a super quick "Thank you baby." And headed for the bedroom as quick as I could so she wouldn't see the hot tears attempting to spill over the brim of my eyes.  

LVCS hands out monthly character awards and the award for Novemeber went to courageous children. Each teacher is allowed to nominate 2 kids from their class that deserve the award, and Mei was one of those. Her resilience and acceptance of all the changes in the last few months has been simply amazing. She's had her moments, but then again we all have.


She never ceases to amaze me. Her smile, her infectious giggle, her heart that is easily ten sizes too big. She is beautiful, and wonderful, and absolutely perfect in every way. I am so in love with everything about all 3 of them. I can't wait to see them grow, transform, and evolve into the extraordinary women they will become.

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There have been a lot of changes around here recently.

I've grown and learned so much in the last year. Life isn't always what we want it to be, but it is still an amazing thing. Divorce happens, cars crash, things break, and people lose jobs and homes every day. You can sit in silence and contemplate the happenings around you, become melancholy, or even get angry. Taking it all in and still loving it is a whole different story. It's complicated, extremely difficult, and exasperating. But the end result makes all the exhaustion worth while, like flying. Silver linings, bright sides, glass half full; euphemisms aside, it all amounts to the same thing. Life is beautiful and amazing, enjoy it.


My mom always use to say, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Well around here were not sweating it, we're embracing and living the heck out of some small stuff. Bubble baths after babies go to bed, brownies with whipped cream, random trips to the mall just because we can.

 

If there is one thing in this life that I'm determined to do, it's to simply love every second I have. No questions, no anger, no exasperation. Just the sound of the wind  rushing past as I soar. I can tell you this, the view from all the way up here sure is something. 

Reverence.

It is 4:45 in the morning on a crisp winter day in Portland. I sit here quietly listening to the rhythmic sounds of a child's heartbeat, writing while I am alternating between holding his warm hands in my cool ones and taking little breaks to rest my heart . His ear lobe is lit up with a pulse ox monitor, his pouty lips are clasping various tubes, and his little body is covered in wires and cords. My heart aches for him and the parents that I came here to comfort, still there is little I can do to comfort anyone. Yet his steady cardiac rhythm seems to bring the biggest comfort of all. He is here, and that is by far the largest blessing we could ask for.

In the last 12 hours I've learned a vast amount of stuff about a lot of things. I've learned new medical terms, how strong a sedated 7 year old can be, and I've gained a profound amount of respect for amazing nurses. I think I've finally learned the true meaning of the word reverence: a ridiculously deep respect. All those years sitting in church listening to pastors and priests did absolutely nothing for me, but try sitting in a hospital room at 4:00 in the morning drinking crappy coffee and holding the hand of an unconscious child; that's some serious reverence baby, like you've never known. Thank God that the Starbucks downstairs opens up in just a few hours, this coffee could probably run a Boeing. Luckily I had a warning so I was able to come prepared:

No, you're not seeing things. You should see the looks the nurses gave us, ha ha. But a Momma can only take so much, and there was no way I was letting the fretting momma standing by the bed drink hospital coffee without a little extra sumin'-sumin' in it. Peppermint and whipped cream can fix almost everything, and her heart definitely needed a little of both.

It's amazing how heartache makes a person really cherish what they already have. I want so badly to run home, gather my girls in my arms, and hug them until they can't breathe. Those warm little cheeks make my heart melt on a normal day, I can only imagine what they'd do to me right now. I want nothing more than to kiss them, hold them, hug them, and be so grateful for what I have when they kiss, hug, and hold me back. I hope the momma standing across the room gets to do that very, very soon with her little. I can't even begin to imagine how badly she wants to hold him in her arms and make everything ok. Any prayers that haven't already been said for Louis would be greatly appreciated at this point.We're hoping he gets well very, very soon.

The best girls ever!

I'm off to get a few hours of sleep, I'm well over my 24 hour stipend. I'll keep everyone updated as best I can. Happy Monday.